“Toughen up Sam”, She repeated to herself as her lips tasted her salty tears. This was becoming a habit, and she couldn’t… No, She wouldn’t allow this to persist.
She’d always been this strong level-headed girl, so sure of her opinions with the will to question the norm. She had known, after the incident to never let her feelings get the better of her, not anymore. “Ignore your heart, your brain’s what matters, it’s never wrong” that was her mantra and it worked for her. Yes, she did get called arrogant a lot, but it didn’t matter. She didn’t mind being considered a bitch or a conceited prick, In fact, it actually spurred her on. It helped her maintain her image, it made her.
She had never cared what people called her or thought of her because she never let them in. “If they aren’t close to me, how the hell can their words hurt me” she had thought. She was happy being a lone wolf, well at least she thought she was. Here, inside the walls of her impenetrable fortress, she would be safe.
She had believed that tears would make her mind foggy and she would lose focus – the walls she’d spent years building would come crumbling down and engulf her. No, she wasn’t ready for that. Yes, she was being a coward, trying to escape from the inevitable. But she had to try her best right?
Now, looking at the tear tracks that had mixed with her mascara to leave behind ugly reminders on her cheek, she was disgusted. Disgusted at how soft she’d become – how weak and fragile she was. As she wiped away the stains, she realised that this was again, her fault. She’d started believing in people – she’d wanted to trust them. Even then the little voice in her head had shouted out a little warning which she had ignored. “Serves me right for trying to be normal”, she reprimanded herself.
At first, it was fun. She had loved the way people responded to her, the interactions gave her a high she’d never felt before. She had cherished their confessions at the sleepover when they told her their misconceptions about her, how they had thought that she was stuck up and how wrong they thought they were. She had found people to share secrets with, people to confess to. People to whom she mattered.
It was too good to be true. She should’ve realised it then, it was going too fast. She’d never wanted to use tears as a shield and that’s what she’d ended up doing.
NO, it didn’t matter if she had to be alone all her life, She would revert back to her old self.
She would toughen up.