Last week I’d posted the beginning of a short story that I had to write for a project in college, Remember? Well, here’s the whole thing. This is just the first draft so your feedback would be of great help! πŸ™‚


Her hands shook uncontrollably as her pupils dilated and her vision began to darken. Sameera didn’t know what was wrong with her. It all happened so fast. Just five minutes ago she was arguing with her aunt and now she could barely discern her shrill screams. As she fell to the cold hard floor, she thought to herself β€œI hope I die, I can’t do this anymore”.

She woke up to white walls and nurses in green robes. She could hear the soothing voice of her mother in the background. More, prominently she heard the sharp beeps of the ECG, that terrified her. β€œOh god, what have I done!”. As her vision adjusted to the bright room, she could make out the faces of her mother and the nurse peering over her, and then there was that face, the face she had come to hate over the past few weeks – her aunt.

BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP… panic ensued. β€œWhat a burden she is Kritika, Why did you even send her to Bangalore?” It was her aunt’s voice. β€œMaybe it’s all my fault.” She pondered as she slipped into a dreamless sleep.

She was confused now, she didn’t know where she was. It was dark and silent, but strangely comforting. She couldn’t feel anything, but now she at least had her space. Here, Kimberly Clark General Hospital of Malleshwaram got yet another coma patient.

How had it gone so horribly wrong? Just a month ago, she had moved to Bangalore, full of hopes, dreams and ambition. She had embarked on a great adventure by herself for the first time in her life of twenty years. She could still remember very clearly, it was on her birthday that she’d shifted to her aunt’s place.

She’d lived at a relatives place before, but nothing had prepared her for the shock that was to come. She had to sleep in the verandah and was banned from entering the kitchen. She still couldn’t understand why.

Her Aunt had called her a burden. She had listed out all the favours that she’d supposedly done for Sameera. She had even gone as far as to say that even her mom didn’t like her, that she was just an unfortunate, irrevocable accident.

These words echoed into the darkness, bouncing back and forth in the void that now surrounded her. β€œWhat have I done to anger her to this extent?” She had been a model student, acing at her degree. She had had her anger at control every time they’d fought. She had helped her aunt in her household chores, she’d even changed her whole schedule to suit her aunt’s preferences.

Standing below the massive blue banner of the hospital, two women were seen arguing fiercely. As the onlookers tried desperately to overhear, they could discern a few snippets of the conversation: β€œHow dare you treat my daughter like that? She is not the dominating arrogant girl you make her out to be. All this while, when you were mistreating her, she hadn’t breathed a word of it to me. She always told me you were amazing and that she was lucky to be staying with you. I don’t know what’s going to happen to her now.”

The onlookers saw one of the women slapping the other, as they heard the latter screaming β€œListen Kritika, she was a guest. She needed to be shown her place, she can’t go about prancing as if it is her own house.”

β€œI can’t believe I called you my sister for all these years. I need to see my daughter now. Goodbye”.

Sameera’s questions still remained unanswered β€œMaybe it’s better that I can’t find answers, ignorance will probably protect me from the jolt that the truth will bring.”

Suddenly the darkness began to dissipate. She observed a faint light emanating from a corner. As she walked towards the light, she prayed β€œI hope Ma is alright and that she knows I love her. All I want now is to feel Ma’s comforting embrace.”

The people on the street witnessed the woman at the hospital gate faint, they scrambled to revive her but to no avail.

That day, K.C General Hospital added two corpses to its mortuary.


15 thoughts on “Comatose

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